Monday, July 23, 2012

Existential Angst and now it is about how to make a living

Existential Angst:

One thing is clear – my faith has been shaken. I am still sure that the green cause is one that worth serving. Be it whether as a species which has lived in nature for eons and hence need to be close to nature to answer a deeper call inside, or is it simply to save our own human race.

It is just that a fundamental shift may have happened.   For someone who reads biographies and hold men like Zhou Enlai and Che Guvera up as icons, a fundamental shift has happened.

It is not longer 先天下忧而忧, 后天下乐而乐。 To put myself to do certain things that I dislike simply to serve a cause behind.   Is there a purpose in that?
Perhaps, but perhaps, only by performing something that calls to one’s gift and interest can one deliver something better to the world.

Perhaps, to some, this is an exaggeration.  However, this may be the reason why I am never really ready to relax.  I can’t seem to put things down and enjoy a good show on TV – when it is just a comedy like Gen, because I always feel that I need to do something productive with my life.

How to move forward?  Repeatedly in doing books like “ What colour is my parachute” and “ Do what you are”, I recognize that I get into flow doing speeches.  In fact one of the reason why I started this blog was to share with the world what I read.  Repeatedly, in my life mission document, I have been writing about learning and sharing. 

Here I have to give due credit to 孔子。 For it was his 格物 as his first steps of the 8 steps to 平天下, that got me so interested in learning.  As in a blog, you finally learn with age that no one will be interested in what you write – except for your loved ones.  As in public speaking, you have to deliver it in a manner that matters to your audience.

Here, I guess I have to thank Yingxuan for giving me a chance to talk about it at Punggol Beach front and making me realize perhaps, I do have a something unique here:

·                           A certain skill in public speaking
·      Combined with a mind that can take on books that are considered too heavy reading by most people – even though it is popular science book!

Hence, it is also important to make clear that I am not interested in the public speaking for the sake of public speaking.   There are some people who are so interested in the exact skills, I have not gotten to the stage of appreciating the hand movements and tonation nuances.  However, I honestly delight in the process of learning, and then trying to carve out my own story to interest the general public/ toastmaster group.

Interestingly, now we have a new direction in life – the question is how to make it a living as well.  Am I going to live a dual life to working and using some other time to pursue my interest?

What other things do I know about myself and life in general:
·      I still want to have results, I still want to run projects that really make a difference. Not fuzzily like giving out hugs or balloons but using Influencer etc – real change.
o   This may be in contradiction with giving speeches, which may fail to deliver anything concrete.

·      I enjoy fulfillment greater than money.
o   I have yet learnt to enjoy pleasures like travelling or eating good food. It is just not yet deeply intensely satisfying.
·      Finally at the age of thirty, Thanks to “The power of less” and Steve Job’s Biography , I am appreciating the power of focus.
     The other thing that I realized that gives me intense pleasure really is pushing my limits, overcoming my past barriers:
o   There are limits/skills that I do not care anymore such as climbing.
o   But I really deprived a sense of achievement and satisfaction from not being able to swim to swimming in the open sea, and somehow deep inside, I know that I want to swim a good long distance – 1.5km?  I don’t want to keep doing the same old things better, but new things good enough.  (Note: Not well but good only. Haha)

Moving on with life:

·      Make reading, crafting speech, videotaping, youtubing it a central part of my life.

     Job? That still needs to be worked on well.   Applying for jobs only or do as what colour is my parachute and aggressively seek for help?  I think that’s tough to decide.

·      Similarly, is it worth to pursue a green consultancy along with psychology tips on eco office?   The burning desire is not there anymore.
·      These, I think are the main problems.

·      In any case, if a job has to be a job, I think I will derive greater pleasure from green job than just another job.

·      The truth is: I think making a living is the tough one, cause I no longer have that green job to look forward to.

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