Sunday, January 28, 2007

A brash of feelings...

Today woke up at 8 am to want to use my laptop to do something productive.

Sadly i found that my computer has something wrong, I can't even log in.

This is serious.

can 't do my work.

Not happy here in Shanghai.. I don't know why.

I gone through so much trouble to stay.

Why? Why? Why?

Maybe I miss all my friends - especially my roomates fucai and micheal

Maybe it will pass - just like how i missed singapore a little when i arrive

Maybe I forgot to miss Singapore - when i got so busy here with work and school. Not that I am free, I have time to think.

Maybe just like how my friend vivien Ng told me - I need to relax and I am so impressed with myself that i know myself so well - I need to relax in terms of the standards I set to my work and I need time to relax

At times, I think, I have not succeeded in life because I don't play hard - I only work hard.

I tell myself that I must have meaningful play - such as going for hikes, such as watching documentaries, reading good books.

Am I too hard on myself?

By not allowing myself to relax, i have killed myself...

Now I find it harder to be happy... only a few things left can make me happy: Cycling, reading, hanging out with friends( note only after a long time never meet, or go out to do something physical, occasional shopping is fine, but never with a gf where u do it week after week.. productive, productive)

Other meaningful ways to relax - tidy my guizhou photos, settle my bookmarks/ delicious, and Sage RSS..

Why have I not succeeded? Because I lack the tenacity to continue at time..

Where is the passion that so many people speak about? Where can I find it?

So far, there are only 2 good men i deem once alive - Ghandi and Zhou Enlai.

Sex is not a high priority, neither physical comfort.

Why am I unhappy in Roots & Shoots now?

Because I have to spend so much time on organic garden which isn't my pet project?

Because Eco -office now was about chasing people recently and I prefer the using the brains to plan part - I don't like chasing people. I need to pick up courage to call unfamiliar people.. What is wrong with me in this aspect?

I don't know... why i can be cowardice in some aspects.

Or simply because I am overwhelmed by the amount of work in Roots & Shoots , and after a tired year, I am running out of steam to handle so many changes.

Then I really admire Zeezee, my office manager - she has been on the job for a couple of years and always put in so much hours and always cheerful,

Perhaps one of the most valuable lesson that i finally dawning on me now and not then when i was in National service when similarly I was swamped with work.

" It is more important to do the right things than to do things right"

Now also, with Chen Ting as a more full time volunteer under me, I need to learn to manage people more effectively - something which I don't think I really did back in my previous leadership posts and I feel more of it as I read the Ivy book on empowering your staff.. Zappp I think

There are too many things and I need to put those things that give you more results first, and pass the rest to Chen Ting and let her do it.

I need to get excited again as I once was when I had to plan the entire eco office project from stratch. It is just like playing my Sim City - I need to stop having the urge of playing the perfect game - restarting because my City didn't turn up my way. I will not have the time to stop all my events/ work and start a new, so forget about starting new projects.

What I need to do, identify the things that I need to do urgently, and spare time everyday to do the more long term important stuff that will prevent the fires from rising tmr.

I will read and practise the 7 habits of highly effective people because I think it make sense and more importantly, he has done the job that I have been trying to do, learn from the great men who have did it in the past.

I just want to admit and state aloud some of the greatest regrets of my life : State it and let it go once and for all. Don't mention it again.

Ivy - perhaps looking back, the only girl that match my environmentalist, caring( willing to do charity work), physical/sporty enough ( at least now she is/has picking up rollar blading and rock climbing) and really nice to me.

I guess.. at the end of the day, I really need a girl who.... 
1. environmentalis
2. intellectual enough.. let's talk about life..
3. Exercise is a big part of her life - go hiking whatever...

then maybe speaking in my native language of chinese.

What do i want to do with my life?

After the time here, my near future plans have been more defined :

Yes a eco business empire is still the far goal - directly promoting eco products/ eco methods in industry to have the largest impact in consumer behaviour.

Admire TerraCycle.

Once after graduate, go into schools for talks? Link global environment( tks to science knowledge) with singapore nature ( tks toddycats) to the daily things everyday ( my evolution as an environmentalist)

Then use the school base as a staring platform for related eco business.

My another regrets - the school holidays in uni. - too long, want to go for trips, as a result, didn't look for work. then in between trips, slack my life away.

It is a big problem for me.. because I always want to be productive, productive.

It is time to move from efficient to effective.

Let us tackle the urgent things of everyday but set time aside for important long term changes everyday.

I feel better.

Let my days in Shanghai be better too.


Anonymous said...

do a few stupid things. Helps to keep your sanity. HAHA

Anonymous said...

attitude makes all the difference dude.

and this thing about "being hard on urself" - havent i told u that b4 u left for shanghai?

ur mind is always not taking it easy - ur focus is always on purpose, meaningful, worth, fulfilment, passion... all the big words that go on and on in ur head and in ur life so much that u forget the existence of other things that WUN make life more pathetic. For eg. insanity. like what Huayang said. Insanity helps to keep ur sanity.

Why? Paradox? well because tat's life and u need to acknowledge it. Life's a Walking Contradiction.

U dun have to do hiking as a pastime to make u feel like even when u are relaxing, u take care to make sure it's not something wasteful - that's not relaxing at all!

Attitudes abt the environment can sometimes be implemented into Life's lessons; sometimes not.

So stop this Guilt Game. U noe u are playing this game with urself.

Well to admit, me toO. The difference is when to tell myself to stop.

Nowadays, im thankful for being able to watch silly variety shows and laugh my head off. It makes me feel so alive.

Virginia satir says "the problem is not the problem. Coping is the problem."

Which explains ur observations of ur other colleagues/ friends and their differing attitudes tho they may face the same things as u.

So dude, it's what u think it is.
If u dun give urself a chance to let in other kinds of opinions into ur head, things will nv change.

Happy belated CNY. Thanks for the greetings!

U know who this is :)

Wei Qiang said...

you should stop focusing on fulfilling your definition of productive and just concentrate on your work and life. I find that if we go ahead and do what we want, u will realise that u've been productive after you have done so. No time is wasted, even rest can have a productive effect. remember that life is a cycle, a lull period is often followed by a busy period. and rest is often needed before you go on to greater heights.
hang in there bro.

Anonymous said...

hi. Just adjust to the life there. u'll b back b4 u know it.

No dancing girls on top

You Live only Once