Was feeling very tired again till last night when I had a good rest and did nothing?
Why was I feeling so tired and upset?
Because I am angry about having to do so much work such that I always have to rush like a mad cow during office hours, I cannot be surfing YouTube or any other thing?
Perhaps it is about being frustrated about thinking about my work all the time, including after work.
It consumes me.. ? Is that true, isn't that what i wanted to always be meaningfully occupied? I want to be busy but at the same time being able to finish. To be like the creative director in Steven Covey's book – do great work yet being able to refuse other jobs to complete all jobs well.
Yeah.. I think that should be it because back then in Roots and Shoots, I had insignificant pay too yet I was not as unhappy as I am now.
So a big chunk of my unhappiness is simply the lousy feeling about not being to complete my tasks well. To do a half baked job for quite a few of my projects – that feeling sucks. It is not so much about I am doing more or less work as compared, though it definitely leaves me psychologically unbalanced. Yet, I believe, the greatest frustration comes from doing many projects unwell – they will just be a fireworks or work in progress and will have no lasting impact on community.
Although I have always dream of leaving an impact behind, I am coming to realise that I don't have the stomach for it. I don't have Obama wrote about the single mindedness of being a Senator. I still would like to have time to read, to exercise; this is the price of frustration when I am not willing to give much more than my working requirements.
Though I have to remind myself that there are lots of my peers who think that I am bull shit cause they have so much more longer working hours – like my BFF Jiahui. At the end though, I think this will be awesome training ground because I already have the virtue of taking my work and responsibilities seriously – I lack the capacity to work smart. You can't do everything, you got to choose.
On another issue, Peida was listening to my 3 criteria for a girlfriend and he mentioned something really interesting. That these are just proximate requirements – what are the ultimate characteristics traits I am looking for?
- Environmentally friendly – think at the end this is still an ultimate criterion because it highlights my core values in life. Perhaps more deep down, it is about looking for someone who believes in a cause that remotely affects one self and yet willing to sacrifice for it? In this sense, perhaps, someone who is vegetarian because of animal cruelty will probably get my respect as well? What about other abstract ideals like for national defense or human rights. I think these are difficult to live through in one's daily life? In that sense, I should have respect for my friend MJ who respects the elderly and did not have qualms about getting people to give up their seats.
- Sporty/outdoor – it was perhaps looking for someone with similar interests, but I guess deeper down inside it is about someone who is disciplined and concerned enough about nutrition and health. Much more it is about someone don't waste one's time away on drama and shopping. Then what about others with healthy pastimes like photography?
- Read widely/ Concern for others beyond ones' family – Actually, this is a very vague criteria. I guess at the end of the day, it is all about someone who believes in contributing to society, believes in a life beyond our immediate family or even friends. It is great to be remembered as someone who is caring and loving towards friends and family, however I guess I want to give something back even more. However, as we understand through evolution biology – being there for the family should bring about more less happiness in women.