Monday, June 25, 2012

Imprisoned by the infinite choices:


4 days, 4nights since I have been back home. Did things which I didn’t feel a need to do so while at Bali and Lombok.  Playing football on Ipad while the real EuroCup is going on and Netting away while kind of refusing to tackle the real items. 
Good thing was that I have been working out everyday. 
Guess now that I have all the time in the world, I am not sure what can I do, there has been many offers  to do things- volunteer, trek, race, travel.
Suddenly with so many choices, I am not sure of what to do. 
I am not that sure I I want to focus purely on making a difference cause all will come to naught in the end. 
I am not as enthused as many others on traveling because Tired of seeing the mountains, seen enough mountains, tired of seeing clear blue water - it is the same everywhere.  Tired of seeing the derelict buildings of the region - maybe I just need to go further. Perhaps though, it just me not to enjoy life so much in terms of taste and sight. 
As Meijun on a separate bed said, she wants to see the world sights before they are gone.  Ken on the same bed said he wanted to see the things while he can while he is still young and he likes the fact that he is refreshed with new insights.
I may not be in the mood to travel because I don't feel that I am productive.
To borrow  line from “The Fault in our Stars”:  I always thought that I would have a story to tell, that I am special.  
Maybe I am not and you have to come to realise that as you are reaching the age of thirty.
I enter state of flow or excitement at times like when I was applying what I learnt at NUDGE for a engineering recycling campaign. 
At the end, it may be that I am clear about what I like to do but I just lack the opportunities. 
The book “ Fault in our stars” just reminded me once again that all will come to oblivion and it threatens what I take as the most important - to make a contribution and perhaps to leave a mark. 
It has been really further demotivating when I read “Human Behaviors and the Environment”, that the solutions are few and the problems out of our reach. 
Though this trip, it also made me realised that why I yearn certain  sports like trail running and cycling - cause it forces you to focus, to enter into the state of mindfulness. When you are running down at speed with all the roots and rocks, you cannot be thinking about your lunch or the email because you have to focus in order not to fall. 
And if it all comes to naught,  what gives satisfaction to a life well lived could really a combination of many many:
  • Pleasure, though fleeting. 
  • Emotional memories as I wrote in my JC days and they leave a mark in your memories - pleasant or unpleasant. 
  • Getting into state of flow 
  • Getting into mindfulness. 
  • Being challenged with tasks that you can manage.
Is this “sabbatical” break of mine only because of :
  • Frustration with lack of opportunities to make difference
  • Work on my green company plan - which I get less motivated on because of the thought of less abilities to make change after reading the “ Human Behaviours and Environment”?
  • Or just to do all the things I wanted to do while I am still young physically like skate boarding etc. 
Or is my mind all confused because:
  1. My attitude to save the planet at all personal costs been shaken by “ The fault in our stars”?
  2. Exciting offers by various friends to go this place to go that place? 
Thanks to all the previous documents, it is clear that I took this break to : 
  1. Be away from something that doesn’t excite me anymore. 
  2. To do the many skills that I wanted to pick up which refers to : 
    1. Motorcycling
    2. Skateboarding etc. 
Traveling is just as it happens to be. 
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